Sorry to take so long to reach out to you, but my life is not mine, hence i tend to find myself in situations that cannot be controlled by me. Kinda fucked up, but its my life. I (with much regret) designed it this way.
You know, I figured if i could just make it through the divorce, then things would eventually work out. Sadly, that's not to be.
Never in my life would I have guessed that my life would turn out the way it has, never. At damn near 40, I find myself walking alone. New York City is a world within a world....anything you want, you can find. Anything you want to do, can be done. The sound of trains, planes, and cabs, makes this place one non stop hustle. Yet, even though its become so crowed that personal space is non existent today....one can still live here, and be in the center of it all, and still be alone. For those that find themselves in this position....solace and company can be found in a bottle, a pack of smokes...and a high speed data line.
A pack and a half of Newport's a day. Two six packs of domestic beer(the cheapest) a night. Average four hours in front of the computer, online a night, before the smoke and beer do the job and lull one to sleep, is all my life consists of six days a week. Saturday is the only break in my routine, and that is because I spend it with my kids.
While that should be fun, I cant lie...the darkness that comes when they are dropped off at the end if the night....erases any trace of brightness that appeared prior.
A life full of mistakes has led me here. Mistakes that I myself made. As much as Id like to place blame on others for my place here, I know I cant. While I never accomplished much...if anything, I can honestly say "this is a creation of mine".
There was a time I had friends. Serious friends. That was long ago. I found myself short with folks till I came to the understanding that I'd be better off walking away from them all. So here i now stand.
By their own follies they perished, the fools. Homer, the Odyssey
I find myself living the life of Sisyphus now. Pointless, repetitious, and struggling. The only bright side, is like Sisyphus, I too, know what tomorrow will bring. As well as the day after, and the day after that, and the day after that.
Some people talk of change. Change, what is that?
I don't believe it exists. I don't.
I believe you are who you are before you get wherever you wind up.
It is not possible to fight beyond your strength, even if you strive (same dude)
Why I write this, I'm not quite sure (I find writing today is much like walking the streets of New York City for me...absolutely unbearable).....perhaps because when I've tried to say it aloud.....I hate the sound of my voice.
Gunner
