Chasing basquiat

if all of your heros are dead junkies...what does that say about you?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

DOIN' STUFF

1. Listening to Stephanie McKay...A lot
2. The new AMP FIDDLER is pretty tight I must admit.
3. Trying to slow up with the drinking for no reason day in day out.
4. Hoping this pack of smokes on my desk is the last. (gotta find another vice)
5. Been watching movies again...(little miss sunshine was COMEDY!!!!!)
6. Trying to be a grownup and handle all these damn financial accounts I got going on.
7. Really trying to clear up debt and increase incoming FLOW.
8. Took my children to the BAPE store in NYC and got them to admit.."That's insane" and it wasn't a positive crack....Something about a 85 dollar fitted, and even they saw the stupidity in it.
9. Lacing up the sneakers to start running again.
10. READING AGAIN!!!! Just finished INSTANT MILLIONAIRES...DEN OF THIEVES(truth be told, I was amazed by these guys when I was in High School, and saddened they wound up in JAIL, but amazed that one got fined 600 million, and money wrote a check out like it was for SEARS(DATS GANGSTA')....And GRAMMAR SOURCE"the smarter way to learn grammar" (sent an email to my son..He responded and I made the mistake of correcting his grammar and spelling and resending it to him...He CALLED me and told me "grandmaw says I write like you")

Monday, January 01, 2007

i missed the new year...

Drove back from dropping my son in VA, and got home and crashed hard!!!!
Well its here..2007.....hmmmm
Lets see how it goes...so far not much has changed, but im trying to be optomistic....not a lot of luck in that...but im going to try.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

At 38....

I feel i'm too old to have a myspace page, and truthfully have been on the site maybe five times(music related)..I never wanted to the old man in the club, nor the old man in cyberspace. But recently, It occured to me I have been to the end of the net...thats right...i've done it all. While most of it is bullshit...and perhaps its because im drunk ohh so often...but i find one of the most interesting places to lurk, is craigslist. In particular..the missed connection section. Ab-so-fuckin'-lutely fascintaing!!!!

I had no idea romance still existed in this cruel world!

Keep it a secret, but i can spend hours going from city to city and reading how folks are looking for that person whose eyes they met on a train, plane, the store..anywhere....hoping that the person reads thier note and responds.

Might sound weird...but in a strange way...its beautiful.

Gunner

Hello...old friend....

Sorry to take so long to reach out to you, but my life is not mine, hence i tend to find myself in situations that cannot be controlled by me. Kinda fucked up, but its my life. I (with much regret) designed it this way.
You know, I figured if i could just make it through the divorce, then things would eventually work out. Sadly, that's not to be.

Never in my life would I have guessed that my life would turn out the way it has, never. At damn near 40, I find myself walking alone. New York City is a world within a world....anything you want, you can find. Anything you want to do, can be done. The sound of trains, planes, and cabs, makes this place one non stop hustle. Yet, even though its become so crowed that personal space is non existent today....one can still live here, and be in the center of it all, and still be alone. For those that find themselves in this position....solace and company can be found in a bottle, a pack of smokes...and a high speed data line.

A pack and a half of Newport's a day. Two six packs of domestic beer(the cheapest) a night. Average four hours in front of the computer, online a night, before the smoke and beer do the job and lull one to sleep, is all my life consists of six days a week. Saturday is the only break in my routine, and that is because I spend it with my kids.

While that should be fun, I cant lie...the darkness that comes when they are dropped off at the end if the night....erases any trace of brightness that appeared prior.

A life full of mistakes has led me here. Mistakes that I myself made. As much as Id like to place blame on others for my place here, I know I cant. While I never accomplished much...if anything, I can honestly say "this is a creation of mine".

There was a time I had friends. Serious friends. That was long ago. I found myself short with folks till I came to the understanding that I'd be better off walking away from them all. So here i now stand.

By their own follies they perished, the fools. Homer, the Odyssey

I find myself living the life of Sisyphus now. Pointless, repetitious, and struggling. The only bright side, is like Sisyphus, I too, know what tomorrow will bring. As well as the day after, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Some people talk of change. Change, what is that?
I don't believe it exists. I don't.
I believe you are who you are before you get wherever you wind up.

It is not possible to fight beyond your strength, even if you strive (same dude)

Why I write this, I'm not quite sure (I find writing today is much like walking the streets of New York City for me...absolutely unbearable).....perhaps because when I've tried to say it aloud.....I hate the sound of my voice.

Gunner

Sunday, December 24, 2006

9 children...

Surprised beyond belief...One mother breaking down into tears on her porch and needed to be held...one child crying and hiding (she was maybe 2) unitl we gave her a sesame street play set and she came out....a group of children whose building is so crazy, you can tell they never go out, freaking out and thanking us constantly for the gifts..the oldest mind you was 9......a little 7 year old boy who letter we answered and showed up to find out he had two sisters and didnt include them in his letter to santa, but we had enough to hand presents to his sisters(along with some cash)....a little girl 4 years old who has c.p. and gets seizures....and a single mom with a 9month old........
the best part?

my kids telling me on the way home...(two 14 year old boys and a 7 year old girl) "no matter what goes on dad...we have to do this every year!!"

Priceless!!!

oh yeah, a good friend of mine has been having trouble with her 11 year old son, and brought him along to go to childrens houses, who have nothing and give them gifts...broke down and cried and apologized to his mom for being a DICK!!!!

I love my children....they understand me.....and slowly,...day by day...are evolving into men..and a woman.

Funny, how my 7 year old girl...she wants to make "babies smile", while my sons...they just want "to give back to whoever never GETS"

I love my kids.

Merry Christmas..Happy Holidays folks!

Gunner

Friday, December 22, 2006

my ace from v.a....

Dropped my son at the airport. Im ready for him....its that time of the year. Im picking up his brother and sister sunday early...we have six families, about ten kids we'll be taking gifts to. One is a four year old girl with c.p. and suffers from seizures....aught' to be interesting to say the least. lots of clothes, movies, and a few toys. A chance for my kids to see how some have to live. They enjoy it, this is our third year doing this, wasn't going to, but i have a friend that felt i need to keep doing it...that and the fact that my son in va kept asking how many families we were going to do...my kids enjoy it....and then we'll go out ot eat and talk.

Guess im not that bad of a person...am i?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Talked to someone...

and did the OJ through the airport...wound up in san fran after all. It was.....interesting. Curious as to who i really am. Am i the guy at home drinking and sitting in front of the computer who is defined by his children?? or am i the guy that was eating tuna tar tar and scallops and grilled corn and caviar?? Im not sure...messed up and pushed the wrong button, so some folks may very well get images of me in san fran...if your one of them...my bad...wont happen again!! I swear!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

my flight

leaves for san fran in a few hours. Ive decided that i wont be on it. thats right, im not leaving my house. Its been three days since i was informed of how screwed up my life is, and i have yet to be sober or make it out the house, and as of right now i have little intentions of reversing that.

funny, i was actually kinda looking forward to going out west, especailly san fran...but its not meant to be. As for my trip to london...i've nixed that as well( along with a serious money loss).

Sometimes leaving town to find yourself, or stretch your wings, isnt the answer...sometimes all you have to do is look in the mirror. Look deep in the mirror, and you'll see that the person you are...is who you are, and nothing will ever change.

Same shit, different day.

Black and purple days....thats all, black and purple days.

For a split instant though, i really thought i saw some bright colors.....for a second, i swear i did.